(This is a short story I wrote the other day after the idea popped into my head.)  

Dear Samantha,

It seems strange writing you a letter like this because I feel like I know so much about you and you don’t even know who I am. You see, I’ve been admiring you from a far for some time now, but I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to talk to you in all that time. It’s not exactly easy for me to just go up to a woman and just talk to her. Maybe I don’t have the practice or maybe I just wasn’t built that way. It’s something I’ll definitely have to look into in the future. I’ve run through the different scenarios of how I might approach you and start a conversation, but in all my attempts I fail miserably. I just don’t see how that route would work out for me so I thought I would take this avenue in its stead. This way I can say exactly what I intend to say and not have to worry about it getting all jumbled up when I speak. Plus it has a spell check. That has to be one the top twenty things ever invented. Someday I’m going to have to build a working time machine to go back and be the guy who invented spell check before anyone else.

You know, I am sure you are wondering how I know who you are. It’s a cool story actually. I saw you heading into a Bally Total Fitness two weeks ago. I was on my way out of that hardware store across the street. I needed to pick up some two by fours, a new arc welder, and three hundred gallons of industrial grade sulfuric acid. Apparently I needed some kind of license or federal paperwork to buy it. What is happening to this country?

Anyway, as I was walking out of the Hardware Store I happened to see a very pretty girl in yoga pants walking into the Bally Total Fitness that caught my eye. I could have said “Hi” or something, but I was a bit nervous and still fuming a little over the incident at the Hardware Store. So watched you walk through the door and out of my life forever.

I just assumed that I would never see you again, but some higher power must have thought I deserved a second chance at trying to talk to you, because not two days later I was flipping through the channels when I suddenly saw you on the television being interviewed by the channel 7 news crew. If the hardware store across the street hadn’t have been smashed by that army of mutant ants then I would have probably gone the rest of my days without even knowing your name.

Can I ask you since you were there to see the whole thing, do you think the army mutant ants would have been a lot cooler if they could shoot sulfuric acid as they destroyed the hardware store? I only ask as casual observer. I like to consider myself a bit of a scientist.

Where was I?

Oh right, saw you on the news. I was just struck by how serendipitous it was that I was seeing you again. I wasn’t sure at first glance because of all crying, but it was definitely you. As soon as I saw you I knew that I needed to do something about it. I couldn’t let you slip through my fingers again

I needed to come up with a plan of action. I thought about enrolling at gym so that maybe I could run into you and strike up a conversation, but that is not really my style. Also, the government had already closed off that whole area to clean up after the battle with the non-acid spitting mutant ant. Big brother is watching us, am I right?

My only real contact with you has been in that area so I need to think outside of the box on this one. I obviously didn’t want to seem like some kind of a weirdo stalker when I finally got to talk to you. I always really liked those old detective movies, but hiring a private investigator to track down a girl you saw once in passing is creepy and also a lot more expensive then you think. As it happens, Colombian drug runners work for much cheaper. After few false starts and one incredibly tragic miscommunication about the kind of service I was looking for, I was left with no better idea of who you were and what was left of the corpse of what I can only assume is a far less attractive woman than you.

After all of this I was almost ready to call in a quits, but I told myself I was not going to fall into the same trap I always do. I had tried all these off the wall methods to try and talk to you and all of them had failed. It was time to just go with the tried and true. If you are reading this then my robot has been able to track you down. It’s amazing what you can do with a few hacked traffic cameras and a government tracking satellite.

This thing turned a lot more long winded then I intended it to be!

I’m laying all my cards out on the table here Samantha. I know that you don’t know me at all, but I think if you give me a chance I can show you that I’m just an average Joe looking for someone to spend his life with. I would really love to invite you over to my place and cook you a nice meal so we can get to know each other. I am sure you could really use it because by now my robot has surely demolished most of your home. I had to cut a few corners with the robot’s programming. It wasn’t really designed for message delivery so just stay out of his way as he destroys your house. Once he levels it he will return to me so he can deliver you response if you like. Looking forward to hearing from you.

- Steven Von Destructinator